October 17, 2014

There are many days a person defines themselves by. Successes, failures and everything in between (Which is what? What is there aside from succeeding or failing? Existing?), we define these based on days. The day I met the love of my life, the day I got married, had a kid, graduated high school or college, started my first job, career etc. You get the point.

Today is Saturday October 17th, 2014. Today is “normal,” whatever that means, “normal” is too subjective but the day started out as my normal I guess. I spent the day with my family,  we did nothing special, ran errands, argued about things that wouldn’t matter and I savored every second, because according to my plans, it would be my last day on Earth.

How I got here doesn’t matter, I was here, in my black and white bathroom, bubble bath drawn, razor blade by my side waiting for the clock to hit midnight so I could leave. I had to wait, the 17th was too important of a day for me to miss any of. 0:00 popped up and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was time. I made it, and the pain would be gone soon.

Then I got a phone call, my best friend was trashed, and needed a ride home, and I couldn’t not give her a ride. I don’t know why I even answered the phone. I didn’t want to, I just wanted this to be over, I was so ready, but I answered anyway, and that phone call saved my life.

Nothing special happened after that, I went and picked her up, drove her home and went back to my candlelit bathroom, re-read the notes I was leaving, and fell asleep on the floor before I could follow through.

The next day was “normal,”  I still fought with my parents, my boyfriend was just as clueless as always, I did my homework, longingly scrolled through social media, wishing for my friends back and cried myself to sleep just like every other night.

October 17th 2014 was the day my biggest failure occurred. Out of that failure, came my biggest success, surviving, getting better, and now… just continuing to survive, because even though IT GETS BETTER, its not always better.

I still have hard days, a lot of them, but they aren’t all bad. And the good ones, are usually really good. That’s why I am here, no one except for me knows about my failure, and my story of surviving, and I think its time for me to share it with someone.

 

 

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